Sorrowful Thoughts In a Vintage Light

July 2nd, tomorrow, marks the year anniversary of my Divorce to Shawn. Its crazy, because I still remember the day we got married, it seemed as close to me as yesterday. It was only an hour ago that I filed for separation, and a moment ago that I sat in the court room as the judge told me my marriage was now dissolved. It’s a very surreal feeling.

I don’t know exactly what I should be feeling today. Shawn and I have been apart for over two years, yet, some sadness about what happened still lingers inside my soul.

What exactly is divorce? Is it what the dictionary says? Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the final termination of a marriage, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between two persons.

Why do people get divorced, or do such awful things to one another, that divorce is the only sanctuary? Why is Divorce a rampant disease in the US. In general the US makes up for just under 5% of the world’s population. Our culture has somehow decided that divorce is an out dated old fashioned ridiculous notion. 68% of marriages end in divorce. Somehow we have taught our people that quick fixes, instant gratification is better than any long term goal. With this in mind, did we ever stop to think that since we told ourselves our first marriage was doomed to fail, because more than half of marriages do.. so its ok to be divorced and move on.. and then do we realize that with this thought process it makes statistics on 2nd and 3rd marriages even more viable. Second marriages at about 60% and marriages after that are at about a 75% divorce rate. It’s a silly notion to me. Why get married if we don’t want to try. I think some marriages should end. But not all marriages, and I very much doubt that 60 % of our marriages are all ‘bad’ marriages. Not all couples have an unfaithful partner, or an abusive partner. Why don’t we believe in being faithful? Being in a relationship, one that can last, and one that is good, is hard work. Why are we afraid of a little pain, sweat, and hard work? As a culture are we lazy? What is our culture, and what does it represent? What does it look like to the other 95% of the world?

With our country representing a very small population with the second highest divorce rate in the world, what about some of the largest populations, are they as likely to divorce? No. They are not. India is the second largest country, population wise, in the world. India holds 17% of the world’s population and only about 1% of people get divorced. WHY? If divorce really reflects the reality of the world, and that the idea of divorce is out dated, does this mean the US not living in reality? I looked into the views Indians seemed to carry, and generally I would say Indians have a fairly practical view of marriage. Most of their society is based on a tolerance for different belief structures and the recognition that no one really gets along at all times. Overall this would result in a more positive outlook on marriage. Also, gender roles seem to be more clearly defined there. This results in less conflict on a day to day basis.

Maybe it’s the laws of divorce. Maybe our lawmakers have made it easier for us. Divorce laws vary considerably around the world. Divorce is not permitted in some countries, such as in Malta and in the Philippines, though an annulment is permitted. There are many types of divorce, No-fault, fault, mediated, collaborative, and uncontested. 49 out of 50 states in United States have adopted no-fault divorce laws, with grounds for divorce including incompatibility, irreconcilable differences, and irremediable breakdown of the marriage. Most jurisdictions around the world still require such proof of fault. In the United States, only New York State still requires fault for a divorce. With only one state having a fault based divorced, this makes for a lax set of regulations. We can get divorced because we got bored, because we got lazy.

I’ve also seen women blamed for the rising rate of divorce. In countries where women have a lot of rights, the divorce rate is higher. But perhaps in countries that aren't divorcing, that have smaller divorce rates, perhaps those people aren't happy, or were forced to marry?
Should marriage even be about happiness?

Do we really believe it’s someone else's job to make us happy? If they don’t, we divorce them, and move onto the next person to make us happy? No one will ever make us happy. Happiness is a daily choice. It happens with in ourselves, not outside of ourselves.

Maybe I shouldn’t be asking why we divorce or what causes divorce. Perhaps I should be asking, the why of why are we marrying? Maybe if we knew more about ourselves, about how hard relationships were, we would marry less, but also divorce less. Again I ponder is marriage out dated. I don’t think it is. If marriage was out dated, people wouldn’t have the desire to have a mate, or partner. We all desire partnering up, having fellowship, some of us have friends for life, so why can’t we have a mate for life? I believe marriage is good and should be done for all the right reasons, not all of the wrong reasons. Marriage isn’t for dummies, or for lazy people, it’s a lifelong effort.

I’m not saying people shouldn’t get divorced. I got divorced. I went into the idea with a heavy heart. I feel the day I got my decree stamped, that God lost a war. But I also felt free. Free from the lies my Ex fed me. If I would have stayed married, I’d still be separated. My ex didn’t have a faithful heart. I have a jealous heart. I can’t share my spouse. I was greedy for him, and because of this, I had to leave. He was never greedy for me. I needed him to be faithful, loving, and greedy in his love for me. We needed to be free from the hurt that we caused one another. Free to find the truth about what a good relationship should be. I hope and pray that when I remarry, my next partner feels the way I do about marriage. That it’s hard. That you have to be there for one another, and that you never leave a partner behind.

What inspired my blog below was a wonderful song called Wait and see by Brandon Heath.

The following are the lyrics, Enjoy!

I was born in Tennessee
Late July humidity
Doctor said I was lucky to be alive

I’ve been trouble since the day that I got here
Trouble till the day that I disappear
That’ll be the day that I finally get it right

There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet

I never really was that good in school
I talked too much, broke the rules
Teacher thought I was hopeless fool alright

I don’t know how but I made it through
It’s one of those things that you’ve gotta do
But I always had a knack for telling the truth

Chorus

Still wondering why I’m here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He’s up to something
And the farther on I go
I’ve seen enough to know
That I’m, not here for nothing
He’s up to something

So now’s my time to be a man
Follow my heart as far as I can
No telling where I’m ending up tonight
I never slow down or so it seems
But singing my heart it’s one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight

Chorus

This past week was filled with some of the hottest temperatures I have ever endured. I visited my childhood best friend, Heather, who lives in Austin, Texas. I was surprised when I arrived in Austin. I expected to be scorched alive, but what I didn't expect was the beauty of the city. It was so green, and what I envisioned was so brown.

The heat was enough to make a sane person stay indoors. Being in the heat reminded me of what I hear a lot of people say. And lately, I hear a lot of people say they hope for... "that the end is most definitely near". The heat reminds me of this because as the temperature got hotter.. I got more and more miserable, thus as sin increases.. quality of life gets more and more miserable.

I just want to point out to all the people who read my blog and truly believe the end is near.. a good number of people... for over two thousand years, have truly believed that the end was near. I know it seems like times have gotten worse. The media exploits that. Its like what I expected and what I got. If we expect that life gets worse maybe we will only see that, but we could also be pleasantly surprised and arrive upon green and beauty that we didn't know could exist in a place that is so hot.

But perhaps, violence has always been the norm. The belief. And hence the media is just a mere reflection of our own beliefs and own acceptance of the norm.

World Wide reporting has not always been available. So world wide panic can happen at a much quicker rate (escalating heat) than before, but does this truly mean it wont cool? That perhaps this event is the end?

If advance media reporting were available during the dark ages, what would the world be saying? At that point was the temperature to hot for us to even move? I am not claiming to know when the world will end. I'm just thinking aloud. Just curious as to why so many hope the end to be near.

I don't feel God is finished with me yet. My trip helped me to see that. To see how God is using me, hes using others to direct me, and how he protects me. When I was younger (even sometimes now)and someone did something to offend me, or some one else I loved or cared about, I would bully them back. I never saw how that could be wrong. On the flight home, I was at a layover in salt lake for 5 hours. Nevaeh was bored out of her mind, and playing with her toys. Some man who was sitting behind us, four or five feet away came over and told me she was annoying and to take her toys away. I was so ticked. I took her toy away and she started to cry, I said to the man "now you can deal with this " he rolled his eyes so I continued to badger him asking him if he didn't like all kids? and if when he was little no one let him play with toys. I called him a dick head. I realized how silly I was being, but I knew I couldn't stop bullying him back. So I got up from my spot, and took my child and walked away. I had to. I had to do it differently. God worked in my heart at that moment. Showing me that even though sometimes speaking up can be effective, its also just as effective to just walk away. Which is what I should have done in the first place.

Anyways I hope I don't get it all right at this moment. I think I am learning to accept I can't be perfect, but I still want to try, I want to keep learning, to keep seeking, to keep discovering and for the end to be a far off mystery.

What do you do when laughter turns to tears? Is it possible for them to go the other direction? Can we make our tears of sorrow turn to tears of joy?

I am having a hard time lately. I don't want to cry. I don't want to be confused anymore. I need direction. I want to know that I am going the right way.

I want to move now. Some direction. I know what I want for the next few years of my life.

Im in school. Hoping to get my BA in Applied Psychology. Then enter an MA program for Counseling.

I want Nevaeh to go to preschool next year, and take swimming lessons.

I also want to adopt a kid.

I know Im single. But I really want to. I have done alot of research. I hope to start saving money soon. And one day by the time im.... 35.. have adopted a child.

These are all wants. Now I just need the push and OK from God.

Then in life right now there are so many obstacles. How do I over come them? There is so much that makes me want to cry. So much sorrow. Will this sorrow become joy in the end?

Will it drive me to listen to God, to do what my hearts desires are... ?

I also want to scream and cry. I want to lay out on a clear night and watch the stars like I used to .. I want to be as sure about life as I used to be.

There are so many wants...

God, what is it that you want from me?

Please yell at me. Cuz for now, I am so human.. I'm just living in my own world.. following my own two feet.

Why can't Star Trek be reality. It seems like the federation had a great goal, Ugh. Perhaps I enjoyed that movie too much, it has me day dreaming entirely to much. Wishing I wasn't so human. I find myself wishing us Humans would learn a thing or two from Star Trek. Is it possible for humans to survive self-destructive ways, to solve the problems we have here, collaborate, and work together as a species?
Sure, the humans in the show and movie are always getting into fights but Earth in the "Star Trek" universe is an egalitarian, Utopian planet. The vision that Star trek seems to gleam toward is that we Humans would use our time and talents to explore the universe in a peaceful manner. It seems that the message star trek producers give us is that if we could get past our petty fights and stupid wars, and worked together we would go where no one has gone before.
Since star trek, and Star fleet is an imaginary example, I ponder the existence of any peaceful beings that grace the Earth's surface. Is an example of peace the Amish societies? Can we learn to live the way they do, at peace with ourselves and our neighbors? At peace with the essence of the human condition?


After all this I wonder still.. what is the human condition?


Lately I feel doomed to inherit the condition of being human. I wish perhaps I was Vulcan.. free of emotion. But unfortunately, that is a huge day dream. I am so full of emotion, Its locked into who I am. I fear that my emotion or humanity will over run me, and I too, will become like the people I once admired, whom I now, don't even respect.
Is the human condition one of doom, of sickness? Do we become monsters and always make monstrously hurtful decisions?

I read the following on page 71 of East of Eden by John Steinbeck. "I believe there are monsters born in the world to human parents. Some you can see, misshapen and horrible, with huge heads and tiny bodies; some are born with no arms, no legs, some with three arms, some with tails or mouths in odd places. they are accidents and no one's fault, as used to be thought. Once they were considered the visible punishments for concealed sins. And just as there are physical monsters, can there not be mental or psychic monsters born? The face and body may be perfect, but if a twisted gene or a malformed egg can produce physical monsters, may not the same process produce a malformed soul? Monsters are variations from the accepted normal to a greater or less degree. As a child may be born without an arm, so one may be born without kindness or the potential of conscience. A man who loses his arms in an accident has a great struggle to adjust himself to the lack, but one born without arms suffers only from people who find him strange. Having never had arms, he cannot miss them. sometimes when we are little we imagine how it would be to have wings, but there is no reason to suppose it is the same feeling birds have. No, to a monster the norm must seem monstrous, since everyone is normal to himself. To the inner monster it must be even more obscure, since he has no visible thing to compare with others. To a man born without conscience, a soul-stricken man must seem ridiculous. To a criminal, honesty is foolish. you must not forget that a monster is only a variation, and that to a monster the norm is monstrous."

His words stick out, they say so much, so effectively. Its an almost answer to my ponderings, and yet not at all.
Is there a possibility for monsters to not exist? For peace and cooperation amongst humans? Is it possible for us not to be corrupted? I look inward, at my own failures and short comings and I sigh. I sigh because I realize how I am not even a step in the right direction. I have done so many things that are monstrous, I have allowed the human condition to affect me.
Sigh. I can only change me, and hope that one day the world will change too.